Shop the Post
I have always dreamed of having kids and being a mom one day. It’s one of my greatest desires. But my desires also came as a package deal with expectations.
I always thought I would have all girls or mostly girls and maybe one boy so my husband could have a little buddy. So when I found out I was pregnant the first thing I wondered is whether this blessing would be wrapped in blue or pink. The worst thing in the world to me is being caught off guard or feeling like I am not prepared for something. I couldn’t start planning and getting excited until I knew what I was having.
Of course, I wanted a healthy baby and was so excited God had given David and me the incredible privilege to be parents.
But deep in my heart, I truly thought we would be having a girl. And so did lots of other people. Maybe it’s because my grandmother had all girls (5 of them!) and my mom had all girls. As soon as I started telling people I was pregnant everyone kept telling me I was having a girl. My husband even changed his mind from wanting a boy to wanting a girl. Like really bad. The fact that his desires changed so strongly convinced me it was the Lord preparing him because we were going to have a girl. It seemed like everywhere I went and everyone I talked to was saying “Girl, Girl, Girl”.
After so many “signs” I started believing I was having a girl. I would say things like “but if its a boy it will be great too! It’s a win-win.” But if I am being honest I just said that because I felt like that was the right thing to say.
I was certain I was having a girl. I just knew God wouldn’t let me have all these “signs” and such strong feelings toward something unless it was happening. I got so caught up in fantasizing about what my life would look like with a girl that I never stopped to appreciate and enjoy the first few weeks because I was so focused on worrying about what the gender was going to be.
I would sit and imagine all the amazing things I was going to do the minute my daughter was born. I’ve always had this dream of having someone to dress up, go get my nails done with, take shopping, talk about silly girl things, and basically just have a best friend I did everything with.
DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT: A LIFE LESSON
So the day came when we were finding out the gender. We went into the ultrasound and I was so scared and felt like I was going to throw up. We told the nurse to put it in an envelope so David and I could find out while we were alone. We walked to the car and opened the envelope. The words read “ITS A BOY!”
My heart stopped. Immediately, I started crying.
I know you’re thinking, “How could she ever say that?”
I’m not saying it was right to have these feelings. But I want to be completely honest for any girl who might being going through the same thing.
I cried, and cried, and cried. I couldn’t stop… for days. And I’ve shared before, I am not a crier, I can usually just brush things off and move on.
What made me even more upset was how upset I was getting. I would think “What is wrong with me?” “No one ever responds like this!” “I should just be happy and grateful that I am even having a baby!”
I started thinking how NO ONE ever talks about being upset when they find out the gender of their baby. Everyone is just so excited and can’t wait. Why was I different? Why couldn’t I just roll with this? Does this mean I’m not going to be a good mom?
None of this was pretty. None of this was good or right. I just felt like I was overwhelmed with feelings I couldn’t process.
After about a week I knew I finally had to address these feelings.
When I sat down and really thought about it, I wasn’t really that upset at the fact that I was having a boy. I was upset at the fact that all my fantasies of having a girl weren’t going to come true. What I thought and dreamed that my life would look like wasn’t going to be a reality. And that is what I was struggling over.
Because I LOVE the idea of having an older brother in the family. I love the idea of having a momma’s boy to love and take care of me. I love the idea of trying out sports with my son. Or music. Or whatever he might be interested in! I love the idea of having a leader, a gentleman, someone who is going to be raised to treat girls the way they deserve to be treated. I love the idea of my husband having a little buddy to take fishing and hunting, to teach him how to play sports and wrestle with at nighttime.
The root of all this was disappointment. I was disappointed that my fantasies weren’t going to come true, and I was disappointed that God didn’t give me what I thought I wanted. I think a lot of the pain we go through in life comes from the root of dealing with disappointment. You didn’t think life would be like this. You didn’t think circumstances would be like this. You didn’t think you’d be like this. You didn’t think they would be like this. You didn’t think God would be like this.
Dealing with disappointment happens every time I come face-to-face with the reality that I can’t always control people, circumstances, and timing. If I could control all of these things, I would do everything I could to arrange my own version of perfection. I’d be the boss of my own life and the way it would look as well as try and control everyone else in my life. I would get so totally wrapped up in the lies of this world and the lies I believe in my head that it would ultimately poison my soul. All the things I thought would make my life better or make me happier would ultimately be the very things that rob my joy and kill my spirit.
If I would have had a girl first I’m certain I would have ruined that little girl with my obsession of dressing her in all the cute clothes, getting the perfect Instagram images, making her nursery picture perfect, and so much more. Not only that, but I would have spent so much time on doing all those things I would have missed out on the moments that really matter. God needed to work on my heart and fix my perspective because it was so unhealthy and not in the right place before.
Now looking back on it I couldn’t image having anything other than a boy first. David and I are so beyond thrilled. And I know that I am genuinely excited about my child and his life and not all the worldly things.
Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like. You have to release control and give it to God. You have to let Him write your story. He really does have the BEST plan and knows exactly what you need. Even though it might not feel like it in the moment I promise you will look back and thank Him for not giving you what you thought you wanted in the moment.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” –Isaiah 55:8-9
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” -Jeremiah 29:11
What about you? What do you do when you are faced with dealing with disappointment? I would love to hear from you in a comment below!
Shop the Post
21 comments
“Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like.” <-Yessssss. So good.
This is beautiful, Ashley, thank you for sharing your heart with us 🙂
This was one of the best posts you have written. I love the transparency and honesty. Thank you for sharing this
I had the exact same reaction nearly 13 years ago when finding out my first child was a boy. I was a girly girl that came from all girls. I never told anyone, but I was really… like REALLY disappointed. BUT God… He knew what I needed. Anderson is an amazing son who has taught the girl from all girls to get dirty and have more fun! His heart is so kind and pure and loving. We have SO many fun memories together. You will do the same with your son! Oh, and I had that little girl I was dreaming of too about two years later… but I can tell you that the mother/son bond everyone talks about is very real! He is also very protective of his sister and they are very close. Congrats on your BOY! You will love being a boy mom!
We so need raw transparency. Thank you, Ashley! I know you’ve prob heard this 1000x already….but having a son is one of the best (and sweetest) things ever! Nothing like the genuine hugs of a son! (But then having a girl afterwards is pretty special too?) God does have the BEST plans!
Your reaction was my exact reaction only I was having a girl and I really wanted a boy. I bawled my eyes out.
The awesome thing was that God used it all for his glory. My husband and I decided to only have 2 kids. (I wanted 2 boys) we got 2 girls ?? After my 1st girl I loved having girls and it was totally fine, obviously. We both still agreed that 2 was all we wanted. Eventually I felt like the Lord was telling me to have another child but by the time God he convinced me my husband was still very adamantly against it. I finally began to pray that God would change his heart if this was truly His calling. I never said another word about it and about 2 months later my husband said that we needed to have another kid. (Side note I had to be on fertility meds with my first two kids.) When we tried for the Third we got pregnant on the first try and lo and behold it was a boy! His sweet name is Isaac because he definitely brought laughter to his Ultra planning mom (I’ve had my life planned out since I was 5 haha) I truly believe that if God would have given us a boy first or second that I might not have listened when he prompted me to have another child because I would have had what I wanted. His plan is always best. I don’t know what his plan is for my sweet boy but I know it’s a good one!
He has such a great plan for your boy, too. So excited to watch you become a mom ?
These were my exact feelings today! Thank you so much for sharing!! I needed to see this perspective!!
I love this! I have had these feelings as well. I am a mom of 5 girls, and I so badly wanted a boy. God gives you exactly what you need. Just let go and let God!
I love this post, sweet girl. You’re going to be the best mama out there and that little boy is so, so lucky to have you. And remember, I’ll always be around if you need a baby sitter <3
I had gender disappointment with both of my boys and I don’t think that people understand that it’s an actual thing. It’s nothing like losing a baby, but there is an element of grief for the child you thought you would have. I never really saw myself as a boy mom.
I really thought my second would be a girl, and was really sad when I found out it was a boy, but I am eternally happy that my older son was given a brother. They love each other so much that my heart can hardly stand it at times.
All that gender disappointment (however seemingly silly) was real (thanks, hormones and daydreaming) but I could not imagine a better outcome for our family; God’s thoughts are always much higher than we could imagine.
Wow this was good. Thank you for sharing this! My disappointment would be choosing the wrong career after getting my masters in it :/ I’m praying that I step out in faith in what I want to do in my life and not worry about what other people think :/
Praying for you Cristina! May God guide your steps and bless your path!
This is soooo spot on yo what I dealt with. I just had my baby boy in January and I totally went through the same emotions of thinking I was having a girl. For me, it was a bit of disappointment mixed with questioning my faith. How could I have been so sure I had gotten clear signs from God that baby would be a girl, yet I was so wrong? Did I not know God’s voice anymore? Could I trust anything that I thought I heard ever again?
The beauty in this experience is that on the other side is growth, reassurance and a restoration of faith. I wouldn’t trade my little fella for anything in this world.
Thanks for this post!?
Ashley, you spoke right to my heart.. the truth is I just found out I am pregnant with our fourth kid. I, like you, was so upset in a way that made me feel disgusted and ashamed. It’s not that I don’t love this baby, but this wasn’t in my plan, my third baby just turned a year old, this is too soon, how can my heart grow more to love all these girls (or maybe it’s a boy this time, who knows ha!)?! I battled with these thoughts and so much more til I to had to sit down and just thank God for knowing what I need when I need it. I am excited for this new little one and have decided to not let fear overtake me but to enjoy this gift that we have been given… I truly love what you wrote and feel greatly encouraged by it, thank you!
Hi Ashley!! I completely understand this entire post! I hid my disappointment when I found out I was having a boy. After a few weeks, I got very excited and started realizing how wonderful a baby boy was going to be. Now that my baby is 7 months old, I can’t imagine ever loving something more than what I love Lennox. Boys are so so so fun and I would be totally fine with having all boys! I’m so excited for your family! Congrats! You guys are going to be amazing parents! Just a little tip…open the diaper with caution ?
I was convinced my first was a boy…but it wasn’t. I think I was more shocked about being wrong than disappointed, but then came baby 2. I could hear myself telling my husband I was taking the girls to the store and would be back late. In my mind it was the girlS this and the girlS that. So when they told me it was a boy, I did have some legit disappointment in that moment. Of course I quickly learned to appreciate God’s perfect plan and sovereignty because my son is amazing! He is a beautiful blessing along with the sweet lesson that came with it! I can’t wait for the Hodges’ 4th grandson to arrive!!!
Oh sweet Ashley, how perfect for this lady, who is an empty nester not a nesting mother! I needed this! Blessings to you!
Thank you for sharing this! Whenever I dream of having kids I dream of having little girls and I’ve often thought to myself, “how would I feel if I was pregnant with a boy?”. I have never heard anyone talk about this and your perspective gave me a lot of peace about my future. I am sure you are not the only one who has had these thoughts and I’m thankful you shared what the Lord has taught you publicly!
My husband and I thought we’d have all boys and maybe one girl to be my buddy towards the end. But right before we found out what baby #1 was, I had a feeling it was a girl. Sure enough, she was and I got really excited. But I had the same reaction as you did with my second baby. I was convinced baby #2 was a boy because we were only supposed to have one girl (in my head anyway). When we found out baby #2 was a girl, I froze and even though I knew she would bring something to our family that we desperately needed, I didn’t know how to process my feelings. My disappointment was rooted in fear – fear that my girls would wake up one day and realize I had nothing of value to offer them. It wasn’t until she was born and I saw her for the first time that I cried and cried because I became so overwhelmed with love for her and I felt so bad that I ever thought I couldn’t love her as much as my oldest. Now that baby #2 is 3 months old, I know I was made for this – for being a mom to two girls. We intend on having more but I think God wanted to teach me something through my girls. He certainly has and I know He will continue to.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. Your little man is so love by you and David! I am so excited to see what you guys decide to name him.
Hugs!
-Sarah
I wanted a boy so bad and the thought of having a girl made me so bummed! God blessed us with our boy, but honestly I was super focused on what it would be too. I would say the same thing things that you did, because I really wanted a boy. You aren’t alone, thanks for sharing. Love to you
Boys are so much fun. You will look back on your thoughts here and laugh one day that you ever felt this way. Yes, you will laugh. Hard. 🙂
Comments are closed.