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I have always dreamed of having kids and being a mom one day. It’s one of my greatest desires. But my desires also came as a package deal with expectations.
I always thought I would have all girls or mostly girls and maybe one boy so my husband could have a little buddy. So when I found out I was pregnant the first thing I wondered is whether this blessing would be wrapped in blue or pink. The worst thing in the world to me is being caught off guard or feeling like I am not prepared for something. I couldn’t start planning and getting excited until I knew what I was having.
Of course, I wanted a healthy baby and was so excited God had given David and me the incredible privilege to be parents.
But deep in my heart, I truly thought we would be having a girl. And so did lots of other people. Maybe it’s because my grandmother had all girls (5 of them!) and my mom had all girls. As soon as I started telling people I was pregnant everyone kept telling me I was having a girl. My husband even changed his mind from wanting a boy to wanting a girl. Like really bad. The fact that his desires changed so strongly convinced me it was the Lord preparing him because we were going to have a girl. It seemed like everywhere I went and everyone I talked to was saying “Girl, Girl, Girl”.
After so many “signs” I started believing I was having a girl. I would say things like “but if its a boy it will be great too! It’s a win-win.” But if I am being honest I just said that because I felt like that was the right thing to say.
I was certain I was having a girl. I just knew God wouldn’t let me have all these “signs” and such strong feelings toward something unless it was happening. I got so caught up in fantasizing about what my life would look like with a girl that I never stopped to appreciate and enjoy the first few weeks because I was so focused on worrying about what the gender was going to be.
I would sit and imagine all the amazing things I was going to do the minute my daughter was born. I’ve always had this dream of having someone to dress up, go get my nails done with, take shopping, talk about silly girl things, and basically just have a best friend I did everything with.
DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT: A LIFE LESSON
So the day came when we were finding out the gender. We went into the ultrasound and I was so scared and felt like I was going to throw up. We told the nurse to put it in an envelope so David and I could find out while we were alone. We walked to the car and opened the envelope. The words read “ITS A BOY!”
My heart stopped. Immediately, I started crying.
I know you’re thinking, “How could she ever say that?”
I’m not saying it was right to have these feelings. But I want to be completely honest for any girl who might being going through the same thing.
I cried, and cried, and cried. I couldn’t stop… for days. And I’ve shared before, I am not a crier, I can usually just brush things off and move on.
What made me even more upset was how upset I was getting. I would think “What is wrong with me?” “No one ever responds like this!” “I should just be happy and grateful that I am even having a baby!”
I started thinking how NO ONE ever talks about being upset when they find out the gender of their baby. Everyone is just so excited and can’t wait. Why was I different? Why couldn’t I just roll with this? Does this mean I’m not going to be a good mom?
None of this was pretty. None of this was good or right. I just felt like I was overwhelmed with feelings I couldn’t process.
After about a week I knew I finally had to address these feelings.
When I sat down and really thought about it, I wasn’t really that upset at the fact that I was having a boy. I was upset at the fact that all my fantasies of having a girl weren’t going to come true. What I thought and dreamed that my life would look like wasn’t going to be a reality. And that is what I was struggling over.
Because I LOVE the idea of having an older brother in the family. I love the idea of having a momma’s boy to love and take care of me. I love the idea of trying out sports with my son. Or music. Or whatever he might be interested in! I love the idea of having a leader, a gentleman, someone who is going to be raised to treat girls the way they deserve to be treated. I love the idea of my husband having a little buddy to take fishing and hunting, to teach him how to play sports and wrestle with at nighttime.
The root of all this was disappointment. I was disappointed that my fantasies weren’t going to come true, and I was disappointed that God didn’t give me what I thought I wanted. I think a lot of the pain we go through in life comes from the root of dealing with disappointment. You didn’t think life would be like this. You didn’t think circumstances would be like this. You didn’t think you’d be like this. You didn’t think they would be like this. You didn’t think God would be like this.
Dealing with disappointment happens every time I come face-to-face with the reality that I can’t always control people, circumstances, and timing. If I could control all of these things, I would do everything I could to arrange my own version of perfection. I’d be the boss of my own life and the way it would look as well as try and control everyone else in my life. I would get so totally wrapped up in the lies of this world and the lies I believe in my head that it would ultimately poison my soul. All the things I thought would make my life better or make me happier would ultimately be the very things that rob my joy and kill my spirit.
If I would have had a girl first I’m certain I would have ruined that little girl with my obsession of dressing her in all the cute clothes, getting the perfect Instagram images, making her nursery picture perfect, and so much more. Not only that, but I would have spent so much time on doing all those things I would have missed out on the moments that really matter. God needed to work on my heart and fix my perspective because it was so unhealthy and not in the right place before.
Now looking back on it I couldn’t image having anything other than a boy first. David and I are so beyond thrilled. And I know that I am genuinely excited about my child and his life and not all the worldly things.
Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like. You have to release control and give it to God. You have to let Him write your story. He really does have the BEST plan and knows exactly what you need. Even though it might not feel like it in the moment I promise you will look back and thank Him for not giving you what you thought you wanted in the moment.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” –Isaiah 55:8-9
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” -Jeremiah 29:11
What about you? What do you do when you are faced with dealing with disappointment? I would love to hear from you in a comment below!
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